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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bendik gets his horoscope read, part four

in which our astrologer branches out even further


So yeah, I've had my horoscope written up for a lark. I've not paid anything, only going by the free 'previews' that I have been getting since signing up. Those paying attention to the series can remember that I have so far been subjected to plain astrology, an important Lunar Transit period which was to bring untold opportunities for me (it didn't), Tarot (which promised me travel and wealth, neither of which happened) a Reiki Grid that was to bring me happiness and wealth (it didn't).


At the time when I received this I was still in this Transit Period. I received yet another email from Jenna, my Personal astrologer. Its subject line read "I have cleansed your Energy Bendik!" (A common theme in her emails is the lack of a comma when my name is added to the end of a sentence for effect)

Ah yes, Energy. Capital-E nergy. And mine was apparently tainted or dirty. (It apparently doesn't wash well in the shower)

She is worried that I am not using my full potential (which can only be attained by paying for a full reading) and wants to help me. She will make a shield for me, using magnetic energy, which will shelter me from... well everything from alien abductions to toothache I suppose. She didn't really say. Only that it would make me feel more energetic and more positive and better-liked and all that jazz.

Since none of these emails would be complete without a sell-in, she offers to make me my own personal Great Book of Revelations which was to tell me, well, everything about me. Just look at this feature list!
  • Your precise and personal Astrological dataYour general characteristics and how you react to others; your fundamental needs, values and orientations in life; your essential energies and your elemental make-up.
  • How you approach life and how you appear to others; your basic stance in life and the way you come across and the face you show to the world.
  • The Inner You and your true motivation; your drives, aims and ambitions.
  • Your mental interests and abilities; how you please youself and other people.
  • Your emotions, moods, feelings and your romance; how you accept or avoid confrontation and how you deal with your deeper emotions.
  • How you set and achieve your goals and in which manner you direct your energy.
  • How you grow and expand your skills and knowledge; the areas in life which you enjoy and how you achieve compromise and harmony.
  • The areas in life that challenge or are difficult for you; how you assess your possessions and how you approach problems and trials.
  • Your originality, imagination and the areas in which you are unique, unstable or compulsive; how you can control your feelings better and guide your energy towards sucess.
  • How you fit into to your generation; how you share common interests and how you can contact people around your age to help you move forward in life.
  • New energy and ambition and how greater personal knowledge will help you place yourself in life and help you achieve your goals and ambitions.
What a list of things that would be revealed to me if I just bought this book!

If only I didn't know myself already and thus didn't need another person to tell me about me (though the narcissistic me is digging the attention, just think to have a book written entirely about myself!)

I again opted not to send in any money, just very amused at the cold-reading like process of throwing out all sorts of different methods (Astrology, Reiki, Magnetic Energy so far, more will come :) to see which of them I am positive to.

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